Earlier this morning I was at the gym. I never go to the gym in the morning and was a half-drooling zombie. I am so not a morning person. Is anyone other than roosters and like, my dad? Anyway, when I got there, I was watching this chick (not creepily, I promise. Or do I?) do a really intense circuit and I envied her because she had a bangin’ bod and she was killing it. I thought, “I really want a donut right now” as I rolled out a mat behind her to do a significantly less strenuous series of embarrassingly ungraceful “toning movements”. I started doing some plank-ish thing that makes me feel like I’m in a rather vulnerable place as I shamelessly gawked at myself in the mirror. Immediately, I started throwing shade and spilling Haterade all over myself. “Get your fat ass down, your form is shit, your arms are so weak and jiggly…why do you think that is? Hmm? You’re a booze bag, that’s why. Did you really need that second bite of Funfetti Jill baked last night?” and so on and so forth until I fell flat on my face feeling significantly worse about myself and slightly more shakier than before.
I compare September to a mini-New Year. Like, Ok, guys! Summer’s over! Time to start being an adult again! However, I find the Fall way more of a challenge than the Summer. Boots and sweaters are a great cover-up…they’re like a moo moo to hide your shame from Sunday Funday. But no, Football marathons do not help my cause when I attempt the wiggle into my skinny jeans on Monday morning and that sucks. As the air gets colder, so does my attitude towards myself. And yes, some of this frustration towards my mediocre physique is warranted. During the summer, being in my best shape isn’t always top of mind. Which seems odd, since I’m naked-ish a lot more in the heat. JK, I live in NYC…but you get the point. I certainly packed on a few Guacamole-activated lb’s this summer. And fine, I got a little winded taking the elevator today.
But like, can we just be real for a second? Who the fuck cares?
No one. No one cares. Not one single person notices when you work out on a Monday or eat French Fries once a week. Only you know what’s going on with your body. Nobody even has a clue what size pants you are. You determine whether you should be pushing yourself or giving yourself a break. Nobody can dictate what you do with your physical self. You know what you need to do to put your best foot forward. That’s your job.
So, without wasting much more time on the smelly floor of the gym, I peeled my face up off the mat and decided I needed to cut it out.
I am not pathetic. And, self-deprecating humor can only go so far before it’s as unflattering on me as high-waisted, acid-washed mom jeans (Why are those back in style? Anyone? ANYONE?!). I was at the gym! At 6:30 in the morning! Where I went by myself because I woke up before my alarm even went off! I ate eggs and and avocado for breakfast! I shower regularly, and I make my bed! I’m also very nice to almost all people! So why in the world would I be that mean to myself?! I would certainly be annoyed with my attitude if I were friends with me.
Just think about it for a second, when was the last time you heard a guy (or or gal) say, “I’m so attracted to self-loathing millennial women who dictate their self-worth by whether or not their calves are small enough to fit into Hunter boots and how many times they’ve not enjoyed life because they were too busy not eating cheese.”
Maybe once… and it was in my worst nightmare.
Being good to your body is always going to be extremely important. We have one body, and one body only. And yes, some of our bodies like carbs more than other people’s bodies. But it’s all about how we perceive ourselves from the inside out. If we feel good, we will believe we look good. It’s science. And science came from the Internet. And the Internet is always right.
So, go on with your bad self: drink pumpkin beer with your other basic bitches! Crush nachos and wings with your boyfriend during the football game! But also look in the mirror and know that every action you make has an equal and opposite reaction. You’re going to gain and lose weight every year, no matter what you do. Life is short and 5-layer dip is sacred, so don’t you dare miss out. But also, remind yourself that being healthy and fit because you believe in yourself is equally wonderful. Especially for us lil’ diabetic ladies. Awareness is the key, not self-loathing. Even Beyonce photoshops her Instagram photos. EVEN QUEEN BEY!
When you are around a group of friends, and one of them is intensely critical, negative, and nasty, how does that make you feel? If your answer is “awesome!” then you can leave now because you suck and I hate you. But if you’re a human being and you say, “That person is rotten! I don’t want to be around them anymore!” then, there you have it. Don’t be that person to yourself. Be nice.