Hello, my name is Derek

is it just me, or does everyone seem to be naming their inanimate objects these days? maybe i just picked up on it after becoming seriously obsessed with the movie, “i love you, man” (“you remember marlena?”). to me, there’s nothing funnier than giving personally identifiable information to something that isn’t even remotely alive. i also like to apply all behavior that i’ve learned from jason segel and paul rudd to my daily life, so, to make a long story short, my insulin pump’s name is derek.

i mean, people name their cars and that’s totally normal, right? my car, claire (or affectionately “claire bear” if we make it through a long road trip without killing anyone/thing), was one of my first named objects.

but like, okay, to rationalize this odd behavior a little bit…derek the pump spends his entire existence clipped to my bra or shoved in my back pocket. according to societal norms, these are two fairly intimate, private-“ish” regions of my body. so, as i am not into females being the ones to get up close and personal to my bum or my chest, my good friend, albert, decided that my pump was in fact a dude, and should be called “derek”. this literally happened mid-patriots game while 4 of us grown-ass adults were snuggling on the couch eating nachos.

this little derek friend of mine has a mind of his own sometimes, and when he’s cranky, running low on insulin, or is tuckered out and needs a fresh battery, he buzzes and beeps and honks and wails at me, so it’s safe to say he has a bit of a personality. also, if something is going to be latched on to me for the remainder of my existence, then i want him to be my little handy sidekick. he and i need to remember that we are a team. i have to trust him to do his job and, you know, keep me alive, and he has to trust me to not roll over on him and crush him while i’m sleeping. seems like a fair relationship to me.

i’m currently reading the world’s funniest book about kids with cancer – yes, funny. but the main character is a 17-year-old girl with terminal lung cancer and she, too has named her “please keep me alive” medical device. “philip” is the girl’s oxygen tank in the book, the fault in our stars and derek would be good friends him i am sure of it. it’s refreshing to know that i am not the only person in the world that thinks these things deserve a little credit for their huge efforts they make daily to keep us as functioning members of society. and by refreshing to know i’m not the only person, i mean… i share the same ideas as a fictional character in a book! hooray.


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