Spring is all about new beginnings. We reset, we shift, our energy changes, we make plans. And, for many of us, we look back at the winter and go, “Um….what the hell just happened?” I’m incredibly sensitive (surprise!), so for me, I tend to feel a sense of remorse when I realize that during the winter time I’m not at all who I want to be. There is something about the bone chilling wind and lack of sun that mutes my zest for life and sense of adventure. But you know what? I realized I didn’t really tank quite so hard this year. I’m looking back at my winter and realizing that the goal I set for myself back in September was actually accomplished. For once, I didn’t let the mundane weather take me away from myself. There are a lot of reasons why this is, but let’s start with where I am today and why I felt the need to reflect in the first place.
I haven’t been writing that much lately. Frankly, I’ve been feeling like… uber uninspired just in general. I’ve been desperately searching for stories or little flashes of motivation from things I walk by during the day, songs I listen to, conversations I’m having. Yet nothing has really struck a chord with me. Not one thing has ignited a: “lightbulb” moment (say that in Mr. Gru from Despicable Me’s voice, please). I’ve been a little uneasy about it to tell you the truth. Have I run out of steam on this blog already. Am I dead inside? What’s wrong here? Maybe it’s that I don’t feel like working on something “frivolous” right now with all the other shit I have to deal with in my life. Or? Maybe I’m just flat out being lazy? In the poetic words of one of my dear friends, Mr. Joe Albanese, I asked myself today, “Is it true that if I don’t use it… I lose it?
I feel like every post I’ve ever written has said, “Life is busy, eh? Things are changing all the time.” But recently, the anticipation of some major change has finally subsided. Like an intricate April Fool’s Day booby trap, tiny pieces of elaborate plans are falling into place all around me. A door opened, which sent a marble down a path, that marble fell into a bucket, which then pushed the toy car down the hall….etc, you get the picture. People are moving away, people are getting new jobs, people are investing time in things that they’ve talked about for months. Change can paralyze a person. The anticipation of change can be even more devastating. It can make you so lazer focused on things other than the present that it’s crippling. But once the ball is rolling and plans evolve, that kinetic energy can fuel a flame so great inside of you, that you almost feel as though you might burst. And this is why I haven’t written anything down recently. I think it’s because I feel as though I might burst.
I have realized that this has been one of my most emotionally challenging, yet intellectually stimulating season’s of my entire life. I’m in a new(ish) relationshp, I have gone through major change in my job, I have connected deeply and spiritually with new friends, I have experienced new things, and I have learned about myself in ways I never have before. I have begun to view the possibility of my own life adjustments through lenses I never could commit to before now. I have shuffled the deck, and I have rearranged my priorities. Now, at the beginning of April when I “should” be bursting at the seams with ideas and instead am frustrated that my creative juices are feeling stifled, I am accepting that maybe this is a calculated quiet period. An organic and necessary pause, if you will. And, because my brain is trying to tell me to rest for a minute, I am going to try to invite a few moments (weeks) of “blissful nothingness” into my life. Allow myself to rest, reflect, be content, and to acknowledge all of the work I have put into myself and my universe over the past several months.
It’s tough to admit when I’m feeling this way. My inherent reaction to this lack of active energy is self-annoyance and like, “eowoisdglsdkgjslkgjsdgdgerjweoigjew what are you doing, you’re doing nothing, go DO” But I’m viewing it differently this go around. I see a battery charging opportunity. I also think it’s incredibly exciting in a weird, “I heart potential energy, what’s gonna happen when it goes active?!” kind of way. By allowing myself to take a moment to rest, I know that whatever wave of adventure and pursuit is around the next corner will have that much more care for the details, determination, and force behind it. By surrounding myself with the right people, taking time to appreciate solitude, and inviting quiet into my mind, the next part of this year better get ready…turn down for what?